Top 50 Sacramento Kings, 2007-2022

Ranking the Kings that never made the postseason

I pulled random Sacramento Kings from their lottery-era rosters without trying for a number and came out with 50 Sacramento Kings, on the dot, nailed it.

Then I ranked them. Nailed that.

50. Norvel Pelle — see how it works? Now there’s a name!

Pelle is an Antiguan big man, he played one game for the Kings in 2021 and missed a dunk.

Norvel currently works with Capitanes de Ciudad de México, down in the NBA’s minor league, and are we shocked to learn he shares the distinction with another ex-King in the top 50?

The other is not Harry Giles, but good guess, Harry is with the Agua Caliente Clippers of Ontario yet not on this list. I wouldn’t make anyone read about Harry Giles.

49. Maurice Taylor — did you know Maurice Taylor was on the Kings? Sacramento signed Maurice weeks after their final playoff appearance in 2006, draw your own conclusions, which meant Maurice Taylor played NBA basketball in 2007.

Do you know who Maurice Taylor is?

Maurice Taylor was like if Markieff and Marcus Morris were one person that hated fighting.

48. Sean May — the Kings love picking up someone’s old lottery washout because the Sacramento Kings are super great at player development. May worked 37 games for the Kings in 2009-10 before they dumped him to clear cap space for LeBron James.

47. Spencer Hawes — this bumper sticker aficionado had plenty of cap space between the ears, the 2007 No. 10 pick was Sacramento’s first lottery selection in nearly a decade (Jason Williams, 1998).

46. Anthony Tolliver — somehow, the teams Tolliver did make the playoffs with (the 2013 Hawks, 2014 Bobcats, 2016 Pistons and the Ben Simmons-led 2021 Philadelphia 76ers) are far, far sadder than any Sacramento Kings club I can consider.

45. Jabari Parker — 107 minutes spread out over two pandemic-rich seasons, Jabari Parker on the Kings, together let’s all kinda remember that:

“It feels refreshing.”

Like when someone pushes you into a pool by surprise but you make the best of it because your phone is over on the table by your drink.

44. Tyrese Haliburton — of Sacramento’s 13 lottery picks between 2007 and 2020, seven fell out of the top five and ho-ly lord did it show.

Yet in 2020 a generational point guard dropped all the way to Sacramento’s No. 12 selection, later the Kings even traded the guy but still came out winning. They’d earned the breaks.

43. Quincy Douby — these are the people you name bands after.

42. Shelden Williams — another Second Draft guy the Kings thought they had sussed. Sacramento held onto Mike Bibby several years past his sell-by date until 2008, when Atlanta compelled the Kings into embracing this return in exchange for Team Dime: Shelden Williams, two-time trade deadline hero Anthony Johnson, the late Lorenzen Wright, and, of course, Tyronn Lue.

The Kings primed themselves for Williams to settle in at power forward for Sacramento but then Williams started playing power forward for Sacramento. Shelden could not beat out Mikki Moore, the Kings dealt him at the next trade deadline. A top-five pick in 2006, Williams only a drew a one-year, minimum contract from Boston when his rookie deal elapsed in 2009.

41. Corey Brewer — played with everyone else, why not the Kings.

40. Bruno Caboclo — the Kings got him when he was one year away but gave up on him before The Year, exceptional thinking.

39. Rashad McCants — the Kings watched McCants score 10 points on 13 shots for three and a half seasons in Minnesota, maybe they didn’t, and dealt Shelden Williams to the Wolves in 2009 for McCants’ healthy stock in confidence. The Kings would be Rashad’s last NBA team, but not because he retired there.

McCants was the first NBA player to date a reality star, and as such became the first NBA player to blame his self-levied career woes on a reality star.

38. Reggie Evans — Sacramento, what did you think Reggie Evans would do for you.

Besides hugs (see video below).

37. Sim Bhullar — just a fun, tall, guy to have around:

Bhullar woulda found capable NBA employment throughout the 1990s, too bad he was born in 1992. Sim was most recently seen making Dwight Howard very angry and upset.

36. Ike Diogu — scored 32 points and was Sacramento’s supreme screen-and-roll defender the night J.R. Smith splashed 11 threes against our Kings, the second-splashiest mark in NBA history at the time.

Watch the video, Diogu backing off in case J.R. Smith, y’know, passed.

35. Trevor Ariza — I can picture him with the Kings, but it’s not going great.

34. Nik Stauskas — chants are for second-round hopefuls, camp fodder, teams should never have to chant for a lottery pick:

Vivek’s part in this is the least embarrassing. The Kings thought they were in Hard Knocks, employed a few fake meetings for the cameras, it was stiff and inauthentic and unseemly.

33. Matt Barnes — The Kings employed Barnes a few months after Matt chased down Derek Fisher? On board with the acquisition.

32. Samuel Dalembert — Sam Dalembert jumps tip for 46 of your teams 82 contests and then a lockout, Kings fans. Now that’s what I call, NBA.

31. Andres Nocioni — the Kings were bad enough they had to rely on Nocioni’s spark and grit to hype a game against the star-powered Denver Nuggets. Here is unrelated spark:

30. Josh Jackson — the Kings weren’t the last team to take on Josh Jackson, they were the last American team to take on Josh Jackson.

29. Andre Miller — did you remember this?

George Karl thought, why should I tolerate Ramon Sessions when I can have the guy that hated me before I traded him to Philadelphia?

28. Desmond Mason — In 2000 I argued vociferously for the Kings to draft this defensive swingman stopper in advance of future playoff matchups against the Lakers, Sacramento instead selected Hedo Türkoğlu. Mason eventually joined the Kings on a one-year minimum deal in 2009, Desmond’s final NBA stint (five games, 66 minutes), his sixth team in six years.

The same week Desmond signed his unguaranteed contract, which totaled $76,850 upon his release, Hedo Türkoğlu signed a five-year, $53 million deal.

The point is, I know ball,

27. Tyreke Evans — no way he can’t give some team 10-3-3 off the bench right now. He’ll need the ball a lot, but he’ll get there.

26. Moe Harkless — Moe played for most teams, Sacramento was the last of those teams.

25. J.J. Hickson — the Kings dealt Omri Casspi and a lottery-protected first-round pick for this slam-dunking power forward in 2011, but acted as if they knew they’d never be out of the lottery.

The Kings protected the pick through No. 14 in 2012, top 13 in 2013, top 12 in 2014, and top 10 in 2015, until it finally relented and turned into second-round choice Jordan Bell. Bell, while flawed, was still a better NBA player than Hickson (35 games, 37 percent shooting) in Sacramento.

Hickson is now best known for beating up a teenager in a home invasion, briefly netting J.J. a cool $100,000.

24. Caron Butler — do you remember this? Caron Butler on the Kings? There is no way you remember this.

23. Emmanuel Mudiay — FEMA should have stepped in at this point.

22. Isaiah Thomas — he’s not “the Pizza Guy,” he is just into pizza. He’s endorsed by the company, Pizza Guys, but he is not the person delivering the pizza, i.e., the Pizza Guy.

Let him into the locker room please I assure you this man is an NBA player in spite of his stature.

21. Ben McLemore — we were rooting for you by this point, Sacramento. Really rooting for you.

20. Nemanja Bjelica — classic Sacramento King. Primo late-night entertainment because it isn’t our favorite team’s shot selection that we have to worry about.

19. Drew Gooden — when Drew Gooden asks someone to guess the 11 NBA teams he played for, Drew spots the contestant “the Kings” in the same way Wheel of Fortune tosses in “R, S, T, L, N, and E.”

18. Chuck Hayes — averaged 2.8 points per game but was the best King on the floor most nights in Sacramento from 2011 through 2013.

17. James Johnson — we don’t know what team James Johnson currently plays for but it is definitely an NBA team, he is on an NBA team, and you can’t say that for the Kings lottery picks he outplayed in Sacramento a decade ago.

Kings fans need relief. Here is every game-winning shot from Rick Adelman’s term:

Back to the bad days.

16. Hassan Whiteside — it is important we all know the Sacramento Kings gave Hassan Whiteside his first NBA chance. The Kings were the ones to open the box. Tell your friends:

15. Vince Carter — thank goodness he didn’t have to retire here.

14. Malachi Richardson — exuded Boeheim-level charisma.

13. Thomas Robinson — a good No. 5 draft pick for 1992 but not 2012.

12. Royce White — trivia answer to the barroom query, “did an NBA team ever play this guy?”

And even then the answer is “kinda.”

11. Skal Labissiere — in 2016 Vlade Divac turned the No. 8 pick (Marquese Chriss) into three players and if you remember all three, you are a Kings fan.

And drunk by now. And not keen on being called “you.”

Look at these highlights from what is surely the worst NBA game ever:

Skal currently pairs with Norvel Pelle in a Capitanes de Ciudad de México uniform. Any reader who cheated to discover this early owes me a subscription, because if you needed to know the answer to the Norvel Pelle trivia early, you are exactly the sort of NBA freak that needs these emails:

I know I know, you hate being called “you.”

10. Georgios Papagiannis — the Kings passed on Chriss, Jakob Poeltl and Domantas Sabonis to draft Papagiannis. Remember what the Kings’ best player tweeted after Vlade selected Papagiannis at No. 13?

DeMarcus Cousins @boogiecousins

Lord give me the strength 🙏🏿

He wasn’t supposed to go this high, let’s put it that way, but in retrospect it wasn’t a huge leap to take this Papagiannis at No. 13 in a horrendous draft, all the Kings passed up on was Denzel Valentine or Malik Beasley.

9. Bogdan Bogdanovic — in aforementioned “horrendous draft,” Vlade turned yet another No. 8 pick (Marquese Chriss) into one of the Kings’ all-time Baaaaaaad Dudes:

Plus two trivia jokes. In retrospect, it was a party.

8. Zach Randolph — wanted to be a Sacramento King, played hard, supported the kids, was old, kept them out of the top overall pick in the draft but dispersed matchless, inestimable, Z-Bo wisdom to De’Aaron Fox.

7. Travis Outlaw — acquired with Quincy Acy in August 2014 for Wayne Ellington, Jeremy Tyler and abating protections on a 2016 second-round pick New York owed Sacramento. The move allowed the Kings to keep the selection, No. 37’s Chinanu Onuaku, which the Kings eventually dealt for Alonzo Gee and Scotty Hopson.

They shouldn’t allow trades in August.

6. Marvin Bagley III — for those of us watching from the outside, the Ultimate King.

“Marvin for us is better fit, better player and great talent. So, it was an easy choice for us,” Divac said.

Bagley visited Sacramento earlier this month, for a pre-draft workout and Divac referred to the workout as a “great day.” He said Bagley is a guy who is “hungry for basketball,” a hard worker and is coachable. When pressed again on Doncic v. Bagley, Divac referenced Bagley’s overall talent.

“A guy who is very talented, in my mind elite talent in this draft, and it was a really easy choice for me,” Divac said.

5. Willie Cauley-Stein — Sacramento televises these guys and yet other teams still go out and sign them.

4. Buddy Hield — has more three-pointers as a Sacramento King than Dell Curry hit in 16-years and over 1000 games in the NBA. Buddy Hield had more three-pointers as a Sacramento King (1248) than Larry Bird and Michael Jordan combined for (1230) in their NBA careers.

3. John Salmons — signed for five years and $25.5 million in an attempt to augment Sacramento’s 2006 playoff club, in spite of averaging 18.3 points per game for the Kings in 2007-08, Salmons was dealt from Sacramento. His journeyman career continued and the Milwaukee Bucks, inexplicably, signed Salmons to a four-year, $32 million deal when he was 30. Salmons’ points per game dropped by six the next season.

At the 2011 NBA draft Sacramento got themselves an idea and swapped (good) point guard Beno Udrih and (still in the NBA) No. 7 pick Bismack Biyombo for the final three years and $24.6 remaining on John Salmons’ deal. It was an an ostensible bid to free 40 minutes a night for No. 10 pick Jimmer Fredette, whom they somehow traded down for in the same swap. Tom Ziller nailed it the second it happened:

The Kings made the trade to clear the point guard decks for the pick, Jimmer. In doing so, the Kings added $10 million of salary for an older, worse player. They traded down, and the roster situation got worse. That doesn't happen. That’s not supposed to happen.

Done happened. And the Bobcats sent No. 19 pick Tobias Harris to Milwaukee in the same, three-team, swoop. Not Sacramento.

Least we got some Jimmer.

2. Jimmer Fredette — because garbage time deserves highlight shots, too.

1. DeMarcus Cousins — if he doesn’t top this list he’ll call me up and yell at me.

PATSY GIRL

Elvis Costello’s father Ross McManus sings with an accent. Not sure if Bonnie Bramlett got angry at this. Usually the songs I play down here are way better.

The playoffs are soon, which means the current dumb NBA storylines will be replaced by actual basketball, and guess what we write about:

Consider supporting independent hoops, I only have as many paid subscribers as Thomas Robinson has career two-point attempts as a member of the Brooklyn Nets. I know!

Thank you for reading!