The Worst Uniform Numbers
Vol. 1
The worst numbers on every NBA team?
Some add up Win Shares, I bring my emotions.
ATLANTA HAWKS, NO. 12
Forty-seven different players wore the number for Atlanta and you can see why. For the Hawks, No. 12 represents symbol of mediocrity at best, a measure of inferiority on average:
Claude Terry, John Battle, Rodney Monroe, Total Name Sedric Toney.
Talk Soup host Steve Henson, Vernell Eufaye “Bimbo” Coles, Matt Maloney, early-aughts hair Dan Dickau, talented and old Željko Rebrača:
Kenny Anderson, widebody John Thomas, Speedy Claxton, not-tall-enough Josh Powell, combination-of-Watergate-names Donald Sloan, cattle rancher and/or highwayman John Jenkins, Kirk Hinrich, Taurean Prince, De’Andre Hunter. Maybe Hunter will break out.
See how this works? They’ll get more entertaining.
BOSTON CELTICS, NO. 20
You can’t wear No. 14 on the Boston Celtics, or No. 15, or No. 16 or No. 17 or No. 18 or No. 19.
You can’t wear No. 21 or No. 22 or No. 23 or No. 24 and hey, twenty-five, can’t wear it.
All these numbers, nearly in a row, are retired. Number 20? Not retired.
All but two Celtic championship squads included a No. 20 on the team, and Tommy Heinsohn (No. 15, retired) briefly wore the number during the 1960 season before switching back. Yet Ray Allen torments the list.
Animus runs for decades. In 1982 the Celtics traded for Larry Bird-backup Scott Wedman, whom Larry Bird hated, and Scott selected No. 20. Ray Williams took over the uniform in 1985, it didn’t work out. The number then chose Darren Daye, the seventh man on the 1987 and 1988 Celtics, who ran six-deep.
The number was then traded over from guard to guard in a hapless bid to fill Boston’s backcourt during the lean years: Brian Shaw and Sherman Douglas were good enough, Tyus Edney was not, neither was Doug Overton, Marlon Garnett, Bryant Stith, Erick Strickland, Gary Payton, or Dan Dickau and that haircut we all had, I never blamed Dan Dickau for the haircut in my first joke.
And then Ray Allen, the most talked-about departure from Boston since Sir William Howe’s. Fittingly, Gordon Hayward and Jabari Parker wore the uniform upon Ray’s erasure.
BROOKLYN NETS, NO. 47
There is a lot of hapless Net history but nothing is worse than using the under-the-table wiles of your oligarch owner to sway a player who grows to hate your team.
The hater, Andrei Kirilenko, was too old for NBA basketball upon his 2013 signing, but not mellowed enough to lay off dissing coach Jason Kidd upon JK’s jump from the Nets:
“So the pressure is huge. And Kidd couldn’t handle it. Or maybe didn’t want to.” [Kirilenko] called the team’s second round exit a “lack of success.”
No. 47 kept on.
“When Kidd became head [coach] of the team, no one really knew what to expect,” he added. “Of course he had colossal experience as a player but no coaching experience. Or reputation. At the beginning it was difficult. What else could it be when you’re losing more games than you’re winning?”
Sounds awful, but Andrei insists you needn’t worry over him.
“Things were a bit easier for me as I was injured at the time and couldn’t be on the court and do anything about it, no matter how much I wanted to. So, inside, I was calm.”
Andrei took a $6 million paycut to join the Nets, and you know he took something under the table because he was charged with guarding children from the horrifying Brooklyn Knight:
The only thing that would improve this is if Kirilenko was paid in some nascent, 2013-form of bitcoin, and ends up suing Mikhail Prokhorov because his three-year, $45 million contract turned into a bunch of horse jpgs.
CHARLOTTE HORNETS, NO. 39
Seriously, who the hell wears No. 39?
Tom Tolbert, briefly:
Tom Tolbert in 1995 looks like an actor playing a basketball player in 1999.
No Hornet has worn his number since.
CHICAGO BULLS, NO. 2
The late Norm Van Lier wore this uniform for seven seasons in Chicago, leading his team twice to the Western finals. Van Lier represented the Bulls three times in the All-Star game and made his adopted city proud with his all-around quarterbacking at the point guard position.
No Bull played defense like Norm Van Lier, and the Bulls never retired Van Lier’s number, choosing instead to highlight the paler services of Illinois native Jerry Sloan. Even after Norm served as the Bulls’ lead studio analyst for two decades.
Everybody in Chicago’s front office understood what it would represent to him. Van Lier was never making the Basketball Hall of Fame, a number retirement ceremony was the thing that meant the world to Norm and the Bulls ignored him.
“I really wish that they could have done it while he was alive,” said former Bulls guard Kendall Gill, who partnered with Van Lier and Mark Schanowski on Comcast SportsNet’s pre-and-postgame Bulls shows.
“I mean, that was something that really bothered him. He talked about it all of the time.”
Every member of the Chicago media and Chicago Bulls staff knew what it would do for Norm Van Lier, nothing lifted.
“That tormented his soul. When you put your heart and soul into a franchise like Norm did ... that means something that somebody gives you recognition for that. And that's all he was looking for. And I think if he had known his number was going to be retired, it would have taken so many demons away from him.”
Gill said this 13 years ago. Jerry Reinsdorf, total asshole, remains unmoved.
It hurt Van Lier that the Bulls never retired his number, it destroyed him when they didn’t even invite him to Johnny Kerr’s tribute in Feb. 2009:
Kerr and Van Lier died later that month, on the same day.
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS, NO. 3
I got the idea for this dumb column from this great tweet:
DALLAS MAVERICKS, NO. 3
Rick Carlisle wore No. 3 with the New York Knicks and yet this list is entirely made up of Mavericks whom Rick Carlisle feared the most:
Charlie Villanueva, Jonathan Gibson, Nerlens Noel and his hot dogs, Daryl Macon, Union Gen. Antonius Cleveland, Trey Burke.
Also Rodrigue Beaubois and Shane Larkin, whom the NBA traded to France for Rodrigue Beaubois.
DENVER NUGGETS, NO. 50
Worst on any list is Aaron Gordon, who wears No. 50 because of a dumb dunk contest.
People around Aaron’s age have a word for things like this, starts with “cri” and it ends with “key.”
This beauty was initially worn by the Joe “The Body” Kopicki and only goes flabbier from there.
The legendary Matt Fish, the horrifying Steve Scheffler, the white Dan McClintock, Ervin “not Magic” Johnson, plus Danny Schayes and his “you can swim in it!”-hair extensions.
You remember Danny, right? The journeyman center who took over as Magic starter in 1998 after Rony Seikaly was traded from Orlando, Schayes offered some shitty criticism of Seikaly’s talents, to which Rony responded:
“Danny Schayes, to me, is like playing against Alan Alda.”
Alright.
Seikaly had more.
“A reporter in Orlando told me, ‘What do you think (about Schayes’ comments)?’
“I said, ‘Well, it’s got to be that the glue from his toupee has just gone to his head. I mean, maybe he’s using a different kind of glue that must be getting him high or something.”’
Danny’s response to being accused of recreational glue sniffing with adhesive he uses for his toupee?
“His words surprised me.”
DETROIT, NO. 8
Start in 1999, when Bison Dele gives $36 million back just so he doesn’t have to wear that uniform anymore. Move to 2021-22, when Piston fans would pay Trey Lyles’ salary just to separate him from the same uniform.
The last person to wear the digit in consecutive years was Henry Ellenson, one of the weakest first-round picks in recent memory, we’ve also seen Wayne Ellington, Braxton Key, and Markieff Morris take a shot with No. 8.
Who else? Will Blalock, that turned out. Juan “With a Foot on the Line” Dixon. Spencer Dinwiddie, but before he was good, and Jose Calderon, after he was good.
Oh, and Ben Gordon.
GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS, NO. 15
List of Warriors to wear Latrell Sprewell’s number since Latrell Sprewell choked his coach: Bill Curley, Vinny Del Negro, Andris Biedriņš, Damian Jones, Mychal Mulder.
You may as well retire the damn thing. Or search for “Andris Biedriņš” on Reddit while not at work and suspend No. 15 indefinitely for moral turpitude.
HOUSTON ROCKETS, NO. 33
Ask any Houston Rocket message board from the last century: Houston should have never signed Scottie Pippen.
In the 1980s the number belonged to beloved 1986 Finals starter Robert Reid, then the similarly-cherished Otis Thorpe during Houston’s build to the 1994 championship. Pippen assumed it in January 1999 and was gone by summer.
A year and a half after dealing Pippen the Rox sent three first-round picks (including Richard Jefferson) to move up for the late Eddie Griffin, who chose No. 33.
After Houston gave up on Griffin, 40-year old Charles Oakley wore the number in 2004 while contributing eight fouls and five points in 25 total minutes of play.
Next up was Loren Woods, whom the Rockets rescued from the Lithuanian league, then Mike Harris wore the number.
Then Robert Covington, who didn’t push the team over the the top, then Ryan Anderson, same. Then Covington, again. Same.
Corey Brewer wore No. 33 with Houston, but he was a member of the Timberwolves when he scored 51 points against Houston. Then Anthony Lamb tried it, then Brodric Thomas.
Patrick Roy, Kareem, Larry Bird, Frank Robinson all wore this number. Mike Scott wore it, throwin’ splitters for the Astros.
But the Rockets get Brodric Thomas. Can’t even get a Mike Scott.
LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS, NO. 8
This was on Bob Weiss’ uniform when the team was in Buffalo. Bob the Brave kind of looked like the number “8.”
Marvin Barnes was next, bad news. Hank McDowell? Played like he had a lit cigarette dangling from his mouth.
Then the Clippers traded for Marques Johnson, All-Star, No. 8-wearer.
After Marques Johnson, an all-star forward, suffered a debilitating neck injury in a 1986 game, the Clippers stopped cutting him checks. [Clipper owner Donald] Sterling’s lawyers cited a clause in his $1.3-million contract that said the team could delay paying him in case of a permanent disability.
When Johnson asked for NBA arbitration, Sterling responded with a fraud suit, accusing him of failing to disclose a past cocaine problem during contract negotiations. The suit contended that Johnson wasn’t entitled to any more money and in fact, he and his agent should have to pay the Clippers for “losses to the overall quality of the team,” including decreased ticket sales.
During the dispute, Johnson's toddler son, Marques Jr., drowned. An acquaintance of Sterling approached Johnson and said the team owner was sympathetic to his grief and wanted to speak to him, Johnson recalled.
“I called Donald and he starts yelling at me and berating me and telling me how he is going to ruin me financially,” Johnson said. He settled the case out of court for less than he wanted, he said. “I was worn down psychologically, spiritually and financially.”
More shit David Stern was cool with.
Tharon Mays was the next Clipper to wear No 8. Who.
Jaren Jackson Sr. after that, the Clippers cut him six years before he won a title starting in San Antonio.
Then Bison Dele, who preferred zero NBA income to re-signing with the Clippers.
Dele starred for the Clippers for a single season in 1995-96, became a free agent, balked at the Clipper contract offer, and remained a free agent deep into the next season. Early in 1996-97, while negotiating the $20 million gulf between his agent and the Clipper front office, Dele deigned to attend a Clipper loss:
[Dele], who has taken flying lessons while sitting out the first month of the season, said, “The only reason I’m here is it’s raining and you can’t fly when it’s raining, at least not safe pilots.”
Clipper basketball — for when it rains in Los Angeles.
Clipper Executive Vice President Andy Roeser greeted Williams as he walked to his seat.
“He looked comfortable, but he would have looked a lot better in a Clipper uniform,” Clipper guard Malik Sealy said. “I thought he was a pretty important part of this team last year, maybe I’m the only one that saw that.”
A year after losing Dele, the Clippers didn’t want to lose future ex-Clipper Brent Barry to free agency and dealt Barry to Miami in exchange for burly center Ike Austin, one of the upcoming offseason’s top free agents:
“They are showing me dedication,” Austin said. “As a man, that’s all you need. I think these two months are a feel-out period for them and me.”
Two months after those two months, the Clippers drafted center Michael Olowokandi tops in the NBA draft, and never offered Austin a contract.
Tyrone Nesby (one of 14 children, undrafted) might by the most accomplished Clipper on this list, he was the team’s most consistent two-way player for three seasons as the last century turned into this heap of crap.
The number went unused until 2006 when Clippers lottery prospect Yaroslav Korolev chose No. 8. The number went unused again for all but 168 minutes over the next two seasons before Korolev was mercifully shown exit from the NBA.
Look at this field of Clipper Eights: Grant Hill, Hedo Turkoglu, Brian Skinner, Danny Granger, Jamario Moon, Danilo Gallinari, Nate Robinson, Jeff Green, Moe Harkless. Four original condition ACLs among the lot.
Marcus Morris wears it now, nothing wrong with that.
LOS ANGELES LAKERS, NO. 31
Curse o’ LaRusso.
Rudy LaRusso was a three-time All-Star for the Lakers, he started 25 Finals games, averaged double-figure points and played standout swingman defense.
Yet in 1967 the Lakers traded Rudy for 7-foot center Mel “Goose” Counts, who wore No. 31 and played exactly like you think “7-foot center Mel ‘Goose’ Counts” played like.
The Lakers dealt for Wilt Chamberlain to supplant Goose at center, but the Goose’s fourth quarter top-of-the-key jumpers in Game 7 of the 1969 Finals gave Laker coach Butch van Breda Kolff a chance to keep Chamberlain out of the deciding minutes.
The Lakers lost, but later traded Goose for Gail Goodrich. Nice save.
In Goose’s absence, John Q. Trapp wore No. 31. After one season the Lakers traded John Q. Trapp for Mel G. Counts, and guess which number Goose chose.
Goose left for the ABA in 1974 and Zelmo Beaty wore No. 31 for the Lakers in 1975, long after any sensible person assumed Zelmo retired. Mel “Goose” Counts went on to sell insurance.
Spencer Haywood wore No. 31 in 1979-80, but I don’t have cable so I don’t know how that turned out:
Haywood says that in his drug-addled state, he blamed his troubles on [Lakers coach Paul] Westhead. Haywood phoned a gangster friend in Detroit, who flew to Los Angeles with another friend, and the three plotted to kill Westhead by sabotaging his car. Haywood said he eventually was dissuaded from wrongdoing by his mother.
No. 31 then wore Kurt Rambis, king of fake hustle. Not buying it.
After the Lakers and Rambis split via “perfect divorce,” BWS Mark McNamara lumbered around in No. 31 for a season, followed by sad-sack pivotmen Sam Bowie, Chris Mihm, and Ralph Sampson’s cousin, Jamal.
Thomas Bryant had it, then he didn’t, and you know who else? Mike Muscala, and Isaiah Thomas.
Rudy. Let up the jinx. The Lakers are a family business.
MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES, NO. 34
For everyone else, No. 34 is amazing. Shaq, Hakeem, Giannis, Pierce, Barkley in Phoenix, Oakley in Chicago.
“At number thirty-four, for the Grizzlies, Hasheem Thabeet.”
“Where Amazing Happens.”
Other players tried the number. Anthony Avent. Cap space refugee George Lynch, Michael Smith (real name), Jason Collins, Scott Padgett. Brandan Wright. Did you know those last two guys played for the Grizzlies?
Could I have thrown some names in there and gotten away with it? Chris Carr? Donnell Harvey? Jake Voskuhl, probably.
MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES, NO. 10
Every few years the Timberwolves hire a white swingman with “surprising” and/or “underrated” athletic gifts and that swingman chooses No. 10.
Wally Szczerbiak, Chase Budinger, Jake Layman.
And when Robbie Hummel was on the Timberwolves in two separate stints, he wore No. 6 and No. 4. We see what you added up.
What is it with 10?
Fellow white fellas, am I supposed to know something about No. 10? Is there a screenshot of Glenn Beck’s old chalkboard which explains this?
Is it because Chipper Jones wore it?
Is this because of Pearl Jam? It’s because of Pearl Jam, isn’t it.
LAZY NINA
This is Soul Train Saturday.
Drag the studio version onto your phone, listen to it passively four times and by the fifth listen “Lazy Nina” is your song for the rest of September. Guarandamnteeit.
Vol. 2 coming after you recover from this one. Top image courtesy Nuggets Twitter. Thank you for reading!
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