(Never Too Much podcast: Reasons why you should subscribe to an NBA newsletter in summer, something nice about every team, click ‘Listen in podcast app’ to give us a spin!)
Remember last summer when the bubble started and life was chaotic and ridden with anxiety and you weren’t sure if you felt up to get back into NBA basketball again and then acknowledged Irishman Michael Malone sent out this lineup …
… and you were immediately all the way back in?
Look at Hollinger’s timestamp, a full year ago. Which means this league in all its currency dragged on your energy and interest for a dozen months, ten of which were filled with games to pay attention to. That’s a lot. Too much.
Our fix disappeared sometime early Wednesday morning but our brains haven’t stopped. Jalen Rose yelled at Kendrick Perkins, fine, we needed that, but the kvetch didn’t end with KP groaning. Media started ranking things again, NBA things, grading them. It’s summer out, I don’t want to hear about grades.
And I don’t want to hear any more bellyaching, which is why we’re sticking friendly.
FRIENDLY IDEAS FOR 2022
From a fan.
SHOTS FOR SHOTS
We all saw this, posted before Giannis hit 17 free throws in Game 6:
The obvious follow-up: Giannis’ favorite fast food chicken chain offers Bucks fans in attendance 50 free chicken nuggets (total value of product involved: $1.12) if Giannis makes 17 free throws in a game.
The obvious problem: Giannis’ favorite fast food chicken chain makes good food but it is also run by a bunch of assholes.
Better follow-up: Bucks offer $17 gift certificates to local bars (the team even has a list of Buck-approved pubs on its website) every time Antetokounmpo hits 17 free throws in a game. Kids get into bars (with their parents) in Wisconsin, so everyone in attendance makes out.
That’s enough for a domestic beer and well shot and then a good beer (you bring the cash for tip). Meanwhile, the kids have seventeen bucks to wipe out on Cokes and whatever this bar’s kitchen has to serve to keep its liquor license.
Instead of wasting all his time on his milquetoast neolib bullshit Marc Lasry can just do right by the people. Let them make their own decisions with how to fill up that $17, maybe a double-tall in a pint glass because you’ve got a ride home? Maybe an almond cordial shot and six plain soda waters (with no ice)?
Maybe you can exchange the certificate for 17 singles to roll through one of six gaming machines the state of Wisconsin mandates be placed within 48 inches of every beer tap.
UNIFORMS HAVE TO SETTLE DOWN
It’s all backwards now, the Chicago Bulls’ bench is on the opposite side of where Jordan used to sit, and half the league’s teams suit up looking like they’re wearing the uniforms from CBS’ (alternate) 4:30 game.
If the NBA wants to follow the NFL’s lead and run with dark-colored uniforms for every home team, fine, the opposing team has to wear white uniforms while working on the road.
Here is a list of colors that are not white:
1. Orange
2. Mauve
3. Light orange
4. Yellow
5. Blood red orange
6. The Miami Heat in yellow
7. Any color that is not white
Here is a list of colors that are weird:
1. “Cream”
Also, the Bulls have to wear white at home. Best uniform in basketball and you waste it on games in Indianapolis?
NO MIDSEASON TOURNAMENT
No, instead of finding new ways to introduce us to sponsors and wear out the athletes who entertain us, the NBA should take the time and effort it was going to spend on a midseason tournament during football season and instead work on making NBA League Pass something better than the least-liked website on the internet.
It’s not that I mind logging in four times a quarter, it’s just that my phone and laptop get awfully hot every time I have to do it. Way warmer than what it sweats through while streaming games illegally after inevitably bailing on League Pass. At least with those you get to learn about Australian tire sales.
THE MINNESOTA TIMBERWOLVES CAN’T BE THIS DWEEBY
This picture is horrifying. They took it right before A-Rod told the other guy that they weren’t going to get to go to space in Bezos’ Cock Rocket.
There is no way this country is running out of rich guys, and Minnesota had to settle on these two? Why do they always shave their heads? Why can’t we ever get billionaires that look like Treat Williams with a beard?
THESE IDEAS ARE GETTING A LOT LESS FRIENDLIER
Yeah well subscribers understand that I had a bag quarter-full of Calm Down but then the officer took it from me.
START GAMES ON TIME
You flip to ESPN when the NBA game is supposed to start, you see the players and they’re only shooting around. This isn’t timely, and it isn’t the same for TNT games.
When there’s a game on TNT you flip to TNT, see ‘Seinfeld,’ and then try to remember if TNT is two channels up or two channels down from TBS. You wonder if your parents were confused about the same thing thirty years ago. You wonder if all the choices you made to avoid their futures ironically brought yours to their same, exact, point.
You find TNT and of course ‘Bones’ is on but just a minute of ‘Bones’ before ‘Bones’ ends. You wonder how a show called ‘Bones’ manages to scare up these wisecracking endings but, geez, they land it, corpse and all. Two or three minutes later and the basketball game tips off.
Why? Because Charles Barkley hasn’t showed up to set on time.
ESPN needs to hire the habitually late. With George Jones moved on, I hear Jermaine O’Neal is available.
Available, eventually.
THE SPURS HAVE TO TELL US WHAT THEY’RE DOING
Just, an idea.
Like, “San Antonio, what’s your deal?” And they would have to answer.
BRING BACK THE SUITS
Coaches can’t coach in team-issued practice gear, it has to stop, they look like the new owners of the Minnesota Timberwolves out there.
The NBA is the league of showy opulence, money spent on things which devalue as soon as it scurries off the lot, and its coaches should be forced to express themselves via whichever sportwear collection they choose. If they choose “blue blazer and khakis,” as Gregg Popovich did 97 times a season between 1998 and 2018, more power to the coaches.
Coaches need a bit of relief from being coaches, even if it means having to think about how many suits to take on the road, or how to tie a tie. Matching colors? Don’t push.
I don’t know what part of the brain NBA coaching derives its power from, but these sleep-deprived coaches need some sort of daily, real world task to accomplish before they go Full Thibodeau.
FREE RADIO ON THE NBA APP
Preppin’ kitchens or washing dishes to the sounds of the ol’ ballgame? The NBA should be after this.
I’m entering my third decade of paying for League Pass, if you don’t count those two seasons the NBA gave it to me for free after they felt sorry for me when I got laid off. We’re all already on the NBA’s app, the NBA knows everyone we’ve swiped and how many steps we haven’t walked, it should give us something back for all that access.
It’s impossible in the bustle of traffic to find whichever ESPN radio outpost is left to broadcast the league’s national games, let alone the local channels that bounce between affiliates. NBA League Pass audio, something I paid for in the century before this one, should be free to anyone who pops in for the app. It sells the product, it sells the local culture, it sells League Pass, and it costs the league nothing.
We stared at your screen for a full year in a row, NBA, we even tried to develop a currency based around your visual highlights. It’s time for you to give our eyes a break.
AT LEAST ONE EX-PLAYER IN EVERY PARADE
One that never won a ring. One that never came close, preferably:
Lakers win again next year? Bring back Brian Cook. You can try to get Kwame Brown, I would really like you to try to get Kwame Brown, but it’ll probably be Brian Cook.
Nuggets? Andre Miller, and all the cognac we can lift.
The Nets have so many to choose from, Ed O’Bannon’s done some fine work off the court, Jamie Feick looks like he could do some embarrassing stuff on a float, but I’d have to invite Stephon Marbury. Maybe also the not-the-Nets’ all-time leading scorer Robin Lopez, as a joke.
The Suns? The Suns aren’t winning a title.
Sixers? Elton Brand is already going to be there and I don’t want Sam Hinkie within 1000 yards of a championship parade unless you want everyone there creeped out. I’d pick Charles Barkley, mostly because the Suns aren’t winning a title.
THIS DATE IN HISTORY’S REGRETTABLE TRANSACTIONS
Today, we look at July 23rd 2001.
HORNETS AND COACH PAUL SILAS SIGN EXTENSION
Silas’ Charlotte Hornets turned in a semi-surprising second-round playoff run in 2001 amid rumors of franchise displacement, the team rewarded him with another two years at the NBA’s cheapest rate ($1.5 million) for head coaches. Low pay, and also the highest point.
The now-New Orleans Hornets made the Eastern quarterfinals again in 2002 but fell in the first round in 2003, mainstays Jamal Mashburn (broken bone in his shooting hand) and Baron Davis (bone bruise to his surgically-repaired left knee) gutting through injuries. With the Hornets and Silas at an impasse over salary, the team removed the 59-year old from the head coaching position in 2003 by declining to pursue contract negotiations, most recently valued at $2 million a year.
Silas said he received a phone call Sunday from team co-owner Ray Wooldridge, who said the Hornets would not renew his contract.
“The decision was made for me. It was a little surprising, but they have the right to make their own decisions,” Silas said. “We had a good ride, and I appreciate the opportunity they gave me.”
The asshole that owned the Hornets, George Shinn, lived in the same neighborhood as Silas. Silas decided to pay him a visit:
Paul Silas was ringing the doorbell of the man who had just fired him, and nobody was coming to the door at George Shinn’s house.
Silas kept ringing, and someone inside disconnected the chime.
So Silas knocked and knocked and knocked until Shinn’s son finally answered, telling Silas that his father was in the shower.
“I said, ‘Well tell him to get on down here,’” Silas recalled.
The co-owner of the New Orleans Hornets and the ex-coach eventually had a talk, which Silas said was amiable in the end.
With a coaching hole to fill, the Hornets reached out for some cheap labor.
From Sam Smith at the Chicago Tribune:
The New Orleans Hornets must feel proud. They have hired the worst coach in NBA history.
Who?
Tim Floyd.
Oh, Sam goes on.
What a great country. Do your job as badly as it has ever been done by anyone, antagonize your bosses and virtually every player on the roster, see nothing but improvement for the team only after you've left.
And then get a three-year contract worth about $4.8 million to coach one of the top teams in the Eastern Conference.
Told you the Hornets bid low.
He rarely worked on the floor at practice unless the owner was around and was always quick to run to the side of an influential columnist making a rare trip to practice. He seemed like he could charm you out of your wallet, or perhaps $4.8 million over three years.
But it would be surprising if Floyd isn't moving on before long. His combustible relationships with Bulls players were legend, Floyd frequently stalking out of meetings screaming and cursing, players laughing about his inability to control himself or deliver any workable plan.
Floyd had bitter relationships with Jamal Crawford and Ron Artest and tried to humiliate Tyson Chandler, calling him lazy in front of reporters. All, including Elton Brand, improved dramatically after they left or Floyd left, as did the Bulls.
Unsure of themselves, the free agents the Bulls brought in and out during Floyd's tenure were in no position to challenge the coach. But when the team brought in veterans such as Charles Oakley, Ron Mercer and Greg Anthony, they were shocked at Floyd's lack of game plans and organization.
The Hornets fired Floyd after one year, because he sucks.
DETROIT SIGNS MAURICE EVANS
An undrafted swingman in 2001, Evans is the guy who asked for more playing time from the Detroit Pistons, so they traded him to the Los Angeles Lakers, featuring (swingman) Kobe Bryant’s 40.8 minutes per game.
Buoyed with all that rest, Evans went on to a formidable career in BIG3.
DETROIT SIGNS RATKO VARDA
Here are two things I know about Ratko Varda.
Three things. Here are three things I know about Ratko Varda.
1. Do not cross him.
2. He went on to grow this mustache.
3. He played garbage minutes in Michael Jordan’s first exhibition game as a Wizard.
These are the three things I know about Ratko Varda.
Don’t ever forget the first one, I nearly did.
(This is also Rick Carlisle’s first exhibition game as NBA head coach.)
NEW YORK RE-SIGNS ALLAN HOUSTON
In 2000 Dave Checketts traded Patrick Ewing, sign-and-traded for four-years and $36 million of Glen Rice and then got the heck out of town after New York’s first-round exit in the 2001 playoffs. Checketts left GM Scott Layden as the lone buffer between James Dolan and the New York Knicks and, with no rebuilding options on the table, a capped-out Layden committed to more of the same and six years of Allan Houston.
Aged 30 at the time of its signing, Houston didn’t make an All-Star team during the contract. Houston and his achy knees worked only 70 games for the Knicks in the two seasons prior to the summer of 2005, when the NBA gave a waiver provision to each luxury tax-paying club, known as the ‘Allan Houston Rule.’
That’s what we called the amnesty provision in back in 2005. It was a weird time, we all thought bangs were a great idea.
When the amnesty rule was announced earlier this summer, many believed it was a certainty that the Knicks would cut their ties with Houston, the longest-tenured member of the team. Some even nicknamed the amnesty provision the ‘Allan Houston Rule.’
But Houston’s close ties with Knicks owner James Dolan, along with incoming coach Larry Brown’s history of coaching Houston with the 2000 U.S. Olympic team, also factored into the decision for him to remain on the roster.
Isiah Thomas ran the Knicks then. Just the voice you want.
“[Houston’s] working hard, trying to get back, and he believes one day he’ll get back to his original form,” Thomas said. “When you have players that have been injured for some time, you have to find a way to move on and make the roster better. If Allan was to come back and regain his form, then it’s an added bonus.”
If Patrick Ewing came back to regain his form, that would be an added bonus, and not just because Isiah recently signed Jerome James to start at center. Don’t bank on bonuses.
Houston’s contract had two years and $40 remaining, but Thomas chose to waive Jerome Williams with the Allan Houston Rule, eliminating the final three years of the the forward’s contract.
“Jerome was a big asset in our rebuilding program, and he was great with our young players,” team president Isiah Thomas said. “But this was a tremendous opportunity to save more than $21 million.”
Which is way less than $40 million, but this was Dolan. He’s good friends with these players, they hang out and everything.
In weighing the amnesty option, Thomas said “there was some discussion about Allan.”
The final decision to cut Williams instead was not made until Friday. Houston’s friendship with James L. Dolan, the Cablevision chairman, played a role.
“The way Mr. Dolan handled it I think is the best way to do it,” Houston said.
The thing where he saves you from having a rule named after you?
“He’s trusting me that basically I can do it.”
He did not do it.
TORONTO RAPTORS SIGN ROOKIE MICHAEL BRADLEY
Under terms of the collective bargaining agreement, the 6-10 Bradley, who left Villanova after his junior year, receives a three-year contract that has an average salary of $1.1 million.
“We are happy to have Michael signed and look forward to his contributions to our franchise,” Raptors general manager Glen Grunwald said. “He has the tools and a great feel for the game.”
Bradley played five years, worked 173 games.
Thirteen players drafted after Bradley’s No. 17 selection went on to NBA careers of ten years or more: Jason Collins, Zach Randolph, Brendan Haywood, Gerald Wallace, Samuel Dalembert, Jamaal Tinsley, Tony Parker, Gilbert Arenas, Scalafuckinbrine, Mehmet Okur, Earl Watson, Bobby Simmons, and Jarron Collins. Even Trenton Hassell made it nine years.
Here’s Bradley enjoying a meal and interview alongside obvious teammate Eric Montross:
You don’t remember Bradley and yet he wasn’t nearly as cloaked as Joe Forte (No. 21, 25 career NBA games), Kirk Haston (No. 16, 27 games), Brandon Armstrong (No. 23, 108 games), Raul Lopez (No. 24, 113 games) or, sadly, Jeryl Sasser (No. 22, 82 games).
The Raptors waived Bradley with a month remaining on his guaranteed third-year in favor of veteran Corie Blount, a veteran addition already ineligible for postseason play.
Which was no problem for the Raptors, because Kevin O’Neill was coach at the time.
DALLAS MAVERICKS RE-SIGN MICHAEL FINLEY
By 2001 Michael Finley hadn’t missed a game in four years. The 28-year old averaged at least forty-one minutes per game during that stretch, twice eclipsing 42 minutes a night, leading the league in minutes per game three times. In nine seasons with the Mavericks, Finley averaged 39.7 minutes per game, averaging 19.8 points and guarding the opposition’s best perimeter scorer.
At the 2005 trade deadline the Mavericks added Keith Van Horn in exchange for expiring contracts with fanfuckingtastic NBA names (Alan “Hendu” Henderson, Calvin Booth). Van Horn’s addition plopped over $15 million onto next season’s payroll, in a league with a $49.5 million salary cap and $61.7 million luxury tax threshold.
Player salaries waived via the 2005 amnesty provision still counted against the salary cap, the provision simply provided for dollar-for-dollar luxury tax relief. No basketball, just bailouts. The Mavericks ended up using the Jerome Williams Rule on Michael Finley with three seasons left on his deal:
The Mavericks spent all day Monday exploring trade options, and waited until just before the late-night deadline to release Finley and take advantage of the provision in the NBA's new labor agreement.
Dallas avoided a dollar-for-dollar tax on Finley's $15.9 million salary for the 2005-06 season. The two-time All-Star is due $17.3 million and $18.6 million over the final two seasons of the seven-year contract owner Mark Cuban gave him in 2001.
The Mavs cut salary commitments in 2004 by refusing to compete with Phoenix’s offer for Steve Nash and, eyeing massive extensions in Josh Howard, Dirk, Jason Terry and Devin Harris’ futures, were capped from making any moves in the 2005 and 2006 offseasons.
Finley joined the Spurs and won a ring in 2007, the same year the Mavericks lost in the first round.
Even with Finley’s savings, the Mavericks still paid $17.3 million in luxury tax penalties in 2005-06, second-most in the NBA, behind the Allan Houston-led New York Knicks, whose $126.6 million payroll won Isiah Thomas’ Knicks 23 games in a year where they didn’t own their top draft pick.
I did all this to get back at Isiah. He blocked me on Twitter after this joke:
Took the time to type ‘RT’ in and everything.
We do goofs here. You don’t need any more info, you don’t need anything else to think about, you need goofs.
And this price? This price is a goof.
WHITING H. & G.
Heads and guts. A selection from the greatest summertime concept album of all time.
Subscribers get a big Bulls thing next.
Be well, and thank you for reading and listening!
Friendly NBA ideas for 2022